Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. MLF
Today, I drove by a restaurant I have eaten at the previous day. I write a food review column for my college paper and I have tried everything on the menu at least once that day. They were being closed down today because a large amount of rat droppings was found in their food supplies. MLF
Today in math class we were learning something I didn't understand so I asked the teacher for help. He jumped a foot in the air and nearly had a heart attack when I started speaking. Turns out a teacher I've had for a year and a half thought I was mute. That explains why he never asks me for answers. MLF
Today, I got very frustrated with my computer because the music that was playing wouldn't turn off, no matter how many times I pressed mute. After about 15 minutes I noticed I was listening to my iPod. MLF
Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks. My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. MLF